Shitfest 2015: The Avengers: Age of no Emma Peel

SHitfestI know I’m suppose to be on vacation right now,but after reading Eric from The IPC’s thoughts on Birdman(Or The Unexpected Virtues of Ignorance).  I think it’s only fair for me to write about a real pretentious piece of shit that many of you actually enjoyed watching.   The Avengers Age of Ultron

Now when it was first  announced that they are going to be doing an Avengers flick back in 2012.  I got really excited because I thought they were finally going to give a proper big screen adaptation to the 60’s television series with Emma Peel and John Steed.

Avengers 3The only good thing about the  movie version in 98 was seeing Uma Thurman in her dominatrix outfit.

Avengers UmaHowever she could not match the charisma and sex appeal that Diana Rigg had in the series. Think of a British version of The X-Files, but with added jokes and more sex appeal and you have The Avengers.
Avengers Emma PeelBut instead they decided to do a big screen adaptation of the Marvel.  OOPS  Sorry I mean Disney’s Marvel’s The Avengers.  Featuring Iron Man, The Hulk, Thor, Captain America and 2 others you would of forgotten about if one of them wasn’t played by Scarlet Johansson.

Scarjo 3

Scarjo 2 I was never a fan of the comics nor any of the other characters featured in it.  I once had a collection of X-Men, Spider-Man, Daredevil, Spawn, and Batman issues, but never owned ones of The Avengers.  I thought they were all kind of bland and dull. Too goody goody for me to care bout their adventure.  However  The first Iron Man movie  got me really excited and It was fun to watch how these different films could go together and end up as the end film The Avengers.   If it wasn’t for Joss Whedon directing this.  I don’t think I would be as thrilled to to check it out.  Luckily it turned out to be pretty good.

whoreNow we are at the end of Marvel’s.  AHEM!!  Sorry, I meant Disney’s 2nd phase cash grab with Avengers:Age of Ultron. In this one, we had some great movies like Captain America:Winters Soldier and some shit ones like Thor: The Dark World.  Mainly because they put Kat Dennings in just layers of clothes.  Chris Hemsworth gets to be topless throughout the whole movie, and while his man boobs are nice.  They are not as nice as Miss Dennings, as you will see below.

THorKat Dennings in  Thor: The Dark World wearing coats and sweaters is like slapping God in the face or kicking Buddha in the nuts.  I don’t know which is  worse but neither sound like a good thing.

dennings-thor2Kat DenningsOK so in Avengers: Age of Ultron.   Tony Stark wants to create an artificial defense program that he got from the weapon of the last villain they fought.  Nothing could go wrong here right.  So the program becomes Ultron and the way he thinks to save the world is to eliminate all of humanity.  From his perspective is does kind of make sense, because humans are the cause of war and other problems.  It would be better if Ultron went more of a HAL route (if I have to explain that reference.  You are not a movie fan) in terms of solving the problem.  Instead he turns into a villain almost out of Batman but I did enjoy a lot of the humor James Spader brought to the roll.  However his best roll was with Maggie Gylenhaal in Secretary.

Secretary 3The movie also introduced us to Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch.  Played by Aaron Johnson and Elizabeth Olsen.  They want revenge on Tony Stark, because his weapons were once used to destroy their homes and kill their parents.  You know from the first flashback that these two will be working with Stark and The Avengers.  Them being there was kind of redundant, and would have loved seeing a different movie with them instead.  At least that way they could get rid of all that backstory and just have them kick ass.   Seeing Scarlet Witch tap in to the minds of the other Avengers was a lot of fun, and I would have loved it if they kept her as a villain in this.

Scarlet Witch 2Scarlet WItchThe biggest problem I had with this sequel was the whole romantic angle they tried to give Black Widow and The Hulk.   I never saw them talk to each other in the first movie.  Much less have any real connection.  Now in this one, she’s all ready to get some of that Jolly Green Giant goodness.  Hulk is a little taken back by her flirtation.  Maybe he feels like he would hurt her in bed, I don’t know.   She’s battled around a lot of big bad guys, Hulk.  I’m pretty damn sure she can handle your penis.

The way it would go down if Hulk has sex with his first girlfriend.

Oh and can someone explain why Natasha AKA Black Widow is the only one to calm down or rile up Bruce  aka The Hulk.  I have read that Joss Whedon had a longer version, but the movie is already past 2 hours.  Why did Disney feel that removing those elements would make this a good movie.   You could have cut down some of the fight sequences and put in a little more exposition in terms of story.  Is that such a bad thing to do  The movie even starts at a battle that never explains how they got  there.  It was good, but it didn’t make a lick of sense  Sorry I have not seen Agents of Shield, and don’t always stay to  the end of each Marvel Movie like I should. Was I suppose to.  Disney, You’re pissing me off.

Mickey 3After the awesome flick, Guardians of The GalaxyAvengers: Age Of Ultron feels really lifeless in comparison.  It doesn’t have the blend of humor and action the first one did.  I really think these actors are just burned out on these roles.  I hope that Disney improves their stature when they do Civil War.  Hell I think everyone should watch Super instead(also directed by James Gunn of Guardians)

Mickey 4Mickey Mouse Head CEO of Disney kicking the shit out of people who talked shit about this movie.


A lot of other things are going on that I will be sharing with you on my next post.  I wrote a cool review for another site, appeared as a guest on a podcast , contributing weekly articles to another site, and got a nomination from some great bloggers.    I’ll also be asking for some guests to be on the next episode of Film Pasture.  So be on the look out for that next week.  Love you.


About The Vern

I love movies and I enjoy writing about them too. They both go pretty much hand in hand with each other and it's fun to discover new classics. I co host the podcasts The Film Pasture, ScreenTrax, and soon Cinema Recall. While also contributing reviews and articles to other great sites when I can.
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31 Responses to Shitfest 2015: The Avengers: Age of no Emma Peel

  1. theipc says:

    This is fantastic and beautiful and I want to cuddle it all night! I’ll have to figure out a way to work it into the competition!

  2. Laura says:

    I’ve tried to watch some of these super hero movies and have concluded that I just don’t like them.

  3. theipc says:

    Reblogged this on Isaacs Picture Conclusions and commented:
    Check out this special report from our man on the street, the delicious Vern from Vern’s Video Vortex!!


    • The Vern says:

      Carly Thank you very much for the comments. Age of Ultron would have been better as a a two part episode on TV. Cant blame u for checking your phone

  4. Carly says:

    Ugh, thank GOD I’m not the only one who didn’t like Age of Ultron. The whole time I kept looking at my phone (generally frowned upon at the cinema) thinking “How is this movie 2.5 hours?”

    • GaryGreg828 says:

      I just wrote that I left the theater in the middle of this; was so boring! lol. I don’t think I’ve seen your blog before, so I’m going to go check it out. It better not suck.

      • The Vern says:

        You were wise. Like an idiot I stayed to the very end to see if there was going to be a bonus scene, and there was nothing. So Angry Thanks for reading

    • The Vern says:

      I messed up my replies but Carly Thanks for the nice words

  5. GaryGreg828 says:

    I thought Avengers 2 was so dull, I left the theater with like 45 minutes left.

  6. Excellent work Vern! Never even bothered to see this… or any of the other Marvel films except Iron Man, which was alright. This just sounds like too much fuss! Give me the original Avengers show any day!

    • The Vern says:

      Yeah I agree, It really offered nothing new. I feel like each movie now is nothing more then a comercial for the next one. I wish they would do a reboot of the Series The Avengers, but Mainstream audiences would get confused. Thanks for reading

  7. vinnieh says:

    Brilliant work Vern.

  8. sweetarchive says:

    “she’s all ready to get some of that Jolly Green Giant goodness…” love this, Vern!! I have no real desire of ever watching this movie, nor seeing Chris Hemsworth’s man boobs, but I thought your review was AWESOME!!

  9. The Vern says:

    Thanks Vinnie and Thank you Reut. I hope your enjoying your time off Reut.

  10. Great review! What was going on with Black Widow and The Hulk? I was so confused by it. It really came out of nowhere. This is a great Shiftiest entry!

  11. Jordan Dodd says:

    Great post man. I can’t get my head around why any of these movies are so popular. They all seem the same to me, with a brand of really inoffensive, user-friendly humour that really gives me the shits. But you really put it into context having enjoyed ‘Guardians’ and other movies like this. I doubt I’ll ever watch this or the first one. I’ve seen two superhero movies and I thought one was okay, the other two unbearable!

  12. The Vern says:

    Hmm. I’m curious at what movie you thought was OK and which two you thought were unbearable. Thanks for reading


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